*For
those unfortunate individuals who were born without a funny bone,
please be advised that the tone of this article is satirical in nature.I'm not sure why anyone would actually want to get cancer - maybe you've used up all of your sick days at work and now you have to call in dead.
Whatever the reason, if you make the following habits a part of your daily routine it will almost guarantee that you'll get a raging case of the big “C” in no time flat!
Tip #1 - Take up Smoking
Tobacco smoke contains thousands of chemical agents, 60 of which are known to be carcinogenic (cancer causing). Smoking cigarettes causes 87 percent of lung cancer deaths and is directly implicated in most cancers of the oral cavity, larynx, pharynx, esophagus and bladder. Taking up smoking and doing it often is a virtual slam-dunk for getting cancer.
Tip #2 - Become Sedentary
Exercise does wonders to prevent cancer by stimulating blood flow and oxygenation of body tissues so that toxins can be flushed out and fresh nutrients can be brought in. It can help balance hormone levels and when performed properly, can also be a major stress reliever (see tip #4).
Exercise helps to boost your immune system by stimulating the lymphatic system which is a network of glands located throughout your body. It's primary job is to filter out dangerous substances and provide infection fighting cells called lymphocytes.
However, since the lymphatic system does not have a pump, it requires movement to get the lymph fluid flowing. If cancer is your goal, avoid getting up off the couch at all costs.
Tip #3 - Surround Yourself with Plastic
Scientists have announced that, “We are swimming in a sea of estrogen.” This is due to the fact that certain man-made chemicals found in the environment called xenoestrogens, mimic the hormone estrogen in the human body.
This throws your hormonal system out of whack, leading in particular to breast cancer in woman (sometimes in men too) and prostate cancer in men. Studies show that xenoestrogens, which are present in plastics, under certain conditions can leach from containers into food and beverages.
So to better your odds of getting one of these cancers, microwave all of your food in plastic containers, drink lots of bottled water and better yet leave the bottles sitting in your car on a hot sunny day. Also, drink all hot beverages like coffee or tea in plastic mugs and eat hot soup out of plastic bowls.
Tip #4 - Stress Yourself Out
Stress is a killer. Worrying and stressing yourself out over every little thing in life causes a constant elevation in the catabolic hormone known as cortisol.
A small amount of cortisol is necessary for our survival. However, too much over a prolonged period of time suppresses the immune system and breaks down your body's tissues leaving you vulnerable to infectious diseases and eventually cancer.
High cortisol levels will also cause insomnia and without proper sleep your body cannot repair tissue, strengthen your immune system or optimize hormones levels. These are ideal conditions to breed cancer.
So the lesson here is, start worrying because the world is a horrible place.
Tip #5 - Eat Bad Fats
Not all fats are bad. In fact, some are down right healthy for you, such as those found in extra virgin olive and coconut oils, flax and hemp seeds, wild salmon, avocados and free run eggs.
These fats help to optimize hormones levels in your body, as well as serve as fuel for energy and aid the absorption of fat-soluble vitamins such as vitamin A, D and K. Definitely not what you want to eat if you want cancer.
No, if you want cancer you should stick with hydrogenated fats (trans-fats) found in “food products” such as margarine, baked goods, French fries and potato chips. The chemical structure of these fats is extremely detrimental to the human body, because they degrade the membranes of your body's cells causing tremendous damage over time.
These unhealthy fats also interfere with the production of enzymes that protect your body from cancer, thus leaving you more vulnerable to all types of cancer. Bingo.
Tip #6 - Avoid The Sun
Experts have been telling us for years to stay out of the sun or else risk getting a horrific case of skin cancer. Now the tide is turning as more and more scientists are suggesting that sensible exposure to sunlight (15-60 minutes depending on skin colour) may actually help to prevent some forms of cancer. The culprit in this case is vitamin D, which the body produces by direct exposure of skin to UV rays from the sun.
Studies show that individuals living in northern climates, who have lower blood levels of vitamin D, have higher rates of certain cancers than individuals living in more southern climates who have optimal blood levels of vitamin D.
So if you happen to see the sun, quickly pull your cape over your face and make tracks for the nearest coffin.
Tip #7 - Eat a Lot of Sugar
An excessive amount of sugar in the blood does a wonderful job of suppressing the immune system. Because most sugar is refined, it also strips the body of life building nutrients.
Oh yeah, did I mention that the preferred fuel for cancer cells is glucose? That's right, cancer feeds on sugar. So load up on all of the candy, soda pop and high glycemic carbohydrates that you can eat, to help keep those cancer cells happily dividing.
If after reading this article you've suddenly had a change of heart and decided that you don't want cancer - I suggest you go back and carefully reread the instructions in each of the seven tips and then.... just do the exact opposite.
Jason Simpkins is a wellness coach. Practicing
a "whole person" approach to wellness, Jason coaches each individual he
works with to develop total health from the inside out. He is also the Co-Founder of The Healing Canopy. He can be
contacted at 
